Editing Shidduchin (section)

== How to Engage in Shidduchim ==

==== With Modesty and Energy ====
The search for a shidduch must be with modesty, in the ways of Torah and yiras shamayim - through a good shadchan, or friends and the like.

The search should be with joy and energy, as our Sages taught that a person should relate to a shidduch like someone searching for something they lost, who doesn't sit in their place waiting idly until the lost item comes to them, but rather goes out from their place and searches seriously and energetically.

Even if one tried to make a shidduch and didn't succeed, one should not be discouraged and despairing chas v'shalom, but should try again and again, with complete faith and bitachon in Hashem that they will succeed in finding their zivug.

A great obligation rests upon parents to take care of their children's shidduchim.

When parents see that their children refuse to engage in shidduchim - they should try to convince them only in pleasant ways.

The administration of institutions for students should assist their students in finding shidduchim.

It is customary to do "Dor Yesharim" testing before the shidduch to ensure the children will be healthy.

==== The Essential and Secondary ====
Marriage is a primary and central event in a person's life, an event that leaves its mark on the entire course of life, therefore:

One should decide on a shidduch with patience and settled mind, not hastily.

An important factor in deciding on a shidduch is attraction of the heart. Meaning, it's not enough to understand and agree intellectually that the shidduch is good and suitable, but there needs to be an inclination and attraction of the heart, or at least an assessment that over time there will be attraction of the heart.

When there are various factors creating pressure to agree to the shidduch proposal, like parents' pain and distress etc., these factors should not be the decisive weight in deciding on the shidduch. When there is no inclination in the heart, and all the more so when there is no understanding and agreement intellectually - one should not respond positively to the shidduch proposal.

Before deciding on the shidduch there needs to be a firm and strong decision by both sides - to build a faithful home on foundations of Torah and mitzvos.

One should not delay a shidduch because of financial issues, like finding livelihood or an apartment, but should have complete bitachon in Hashem that He will help find an apartment and livelihood abundantly.

If the spiritual state of the proposed match is proper, and they intend to establish a home fully based on Torah and mitzvos with yiras shamayim, the Rebbe instructed not to consider the spiritual past, such as birth not in tahara, siblings who left the path of Torah and mitzvos, or divorced parents.

==== Parental and Friends' Advice ====
Before deciding on a shidduch, one should consult with parents, understanding family members, and friends. It is not advisable to establish a family life against parents' wishes. However, the Rebbe instructed that parents should not pressure their children regarding shidduch matters.

In cases where the young man or woman is far from their parents, overseas or similar, they should not decide alone without consulting their parents. It is preferable for one of the parents to travel there to assist in the shidduch decision.

It is preferable not to have large age differences between the chosson and kallah, though there is no issue if the kallah is older than the chosson.

When there are rumors about poor behavior of the potential match in past years, one should know that the main emphasis in deciding about the shidduch is the current situation in the present and the firm decision regarding the future, not the past.

The decision about the shidduch should be of the mind and heart. One should not make various calculations and gematrias of names and such - as these have no true significance. Similarly, one should not decide on a shidduch through casting lots.

There is no concern about marrying relatives, even first cousins can marry each other.

There is no restriction against the chosson and kallah being from different communities and origins, such as Ashkenazim and Sephardim and the like, particularly in these generations. The approach of separation between Sephardim and Ashkenazim in this matter is incorrect and creates divisions among the Jewish people - who would want such a thing?

When the names of the chosson and father-in-law are the same, or the names of the kallah and mother-in-law are the same - they should add a name to one of them. The name addition should be before publicly announcing the shidduch.