Shidduchin

A shidduch is one of the early stages in the marriage process, which includes searching for compatibility between potential partners, meetings and inquiries, until completing the shidduch process with the decision that indeed the couple is compatible and marking this decision with a small celebration like a l'chaim or vort.

The purpose of the shidduch is to add modesty to the process of finding one's match, and it is done according to Jewish custom through a third party who mediates between the sides and not through direct initiated contact between the chosson and kallah.

The shadchan or shadchanit has an important part in the marriage process and it is customary to pay them generously, and credit them with the merit of establishing the home.

How to Engage in Shidduchim

With Modesty and Energy

The search for a shidduch must be with modesty, in the ways of Torah and yiras shamayim - through a good shadchan, or friends and the like.

The search should be with joy and energy, as our Sages taught that a person should relate to a shidduch like someone searching for something they lost, who doesn't sit in their place waiting idly until the lost item comes to them, but rather goes out from their place and searches seriously and energetically.

Even if one tried to make a shidduch and didn't succeed, one should not be discouraged and despairing chas v'shalom, but should try again and again, with complete faith and bitachon in Hashem that they will succeed in finding their zivug.

A great obligation rests upon parents to take care of their children's shidduchim.

When parents see that their children refuse to engage in shidduchim - they should try to convince them only in pleasant ways.

The administration of institutions for students should assist their students in finding shidduchim.

It is customary to do "Dor Yesharim" testing before the shidduch to ensure the children will be healthy.

The Essential and Secondary

Marriage is a primary and central event in a person's life, an event that leaves its mark on the entire course of life, therefore:

One should decide on a shidduch with patience and settled mind, not hastily.

An important factor in deciding on a shidduch is attraction of the heart. Meaning, it's not enough to understand and agree intellectually that the shidduch is good and suitable, but there needs to be an inclination and attraction of the heart, or at least an assessment that over time there will be attraction of the heart.

When there are various factors creating pressure to agree to the shidduch proposal, like parents' pain and distress etc., these factors should not be the decisive weight in deciding on the shidduch. When there is no inclination in the heart, and all the more so when there is no understanding and agreement intellectually - one should not respond positively to the shidduch proposal.

Before deciding on the shidduch there needs to be a firm and strong decision by both sides - to build a faithful home on foundations of Torah and mitzvos.

One should not delay a shidduch because of financial issues, like finding livelihood or an apartment, but should have complete bitachon in Hashem that He will help find an apartment and livelihood abundantly.

If the spiritual state of the proposed match is proper, and they intend to establish a home fully based on Torah and mitzvos with yiras shamayim, the Rebbe instructed not to consider the spiritual past, such as birth not in tahara, siblings who left the path of Torah and mitzvos, or divorced parents.

Parental and Friends' Advice

Before deciding on a shidduch, one should consult with parents, understanding family members, and friends. It is not advisable to establish a family life against parents' wishes. However, the Rebbe instructed that parents should not pressure their children regarding shidduch matters.

In cases where the young man or woman is far from their parents, overseas or similar, they should not decide alone without consulting their parents. It is preferable for one of the parents to travel there to assist in the shidduch decision.

It is preferable not to have large age differences between the chosson and kallah, though there is no issue if the kallah is older than the chosson.

When there are rumors about poor behavior of the potential match in past years, one should know that the main emphasis in deciding about the shidduch is the current situation in the present and the firm decision regarding the future, not the past.

The decision about the shidduch should be of the mind and heart. One should not make various calculations and gematrias of names and such - as these have no true significance. Similarly, one should not decide on a shidduch through casting lots.

There is no concern about marrying relatives, even first cousins can marry each other.

There is no restriction against the chosson and kallah being from different communities and origins, such as Ashkenazim and Sephardim and the like, particularly in these generations. The approach of separation between Sephardim and Ashkenazim in this matter is incorrect and creates divisions among the Jewish people - who would want such a thing?

When the names of the chosson and father-in-law are the same, or the names of the kallah and mother-in-law are the same - they should add a name to one of them. The name addition should be before publicly announcing the shidduch.

Laws and Customs in Shidduchim

Waiting in Shidduchim

A shidduch of a younger sibling before an older brother, or younger sister before an older sister, is possible if the older sibling agreed and gave complete forgiveness, wholeheartedly, to the younger sibling. It is best if the forgiveness is in writing or before witnesses.

Nevertheless, when a younger sibling becomes engaged before the older one, it is advisable to: a) delay the wedding date as much as possible, in case the older sibling becomes engaged meanwhile, b) the parents should set aside money for the older sibling's wedding expenses.

A shidduch of a younger sister before her brother is possible, since brothers and sisters are two separate queues for shidduchim, and they are not dependent on each other.

When there is an appropriate shidduch suggestion but one side doesn't want to hear about it currently and wishes to wait a long time, it is not advisable to wait and bind both sides to this specific shidduch suggestion.

Inquiries

When making inquiries about potential shidduch matches, one must be very careful not to provide unnecessary information that could constitute loshon hara, not to mislead the parties with inaccurate information, and various other halachic details.

Therefore, one should focus mainly on presenting the qualities and strengths of the potential matches. When in doubt whether to share certain information, one should consult with a Rav.

Shidduch Meetings

Shidduch meetings should be conducted calmly and without rushing, and it is inappropriate to make such a fundamental decision as establishing a Jewish home within just one week.

When there is doubt and uncertainty about attraction, the Rebbe advises taking a break to check if this brings calmness to the parties, or if it awakens in them a renewed anticipation to meet again.

For the meetings themselves, the Rebbe instructs to discuss not only general aspects of family life, but to delve into practical details such as setting times for Torah study, location and quantity of shiurim, manner of dress, and more.

Shidduch with a Bas Kohen

If a Yisroel is entering into a shidduch with a Bas Kohen, "he needs to increase his strength in his Torah learning and shiurim, in order to approach the level of at least a talmid chacham according to his ability." Among the instructions the Rebbe gave are: attempting to complete all six sedarim of Mishnayos if there are several months until the wedding, and if the wedding is soon, at least one or two sedarim. In any case, one should learn Maseches Kallah. Additionally, one should become knowledgeable at least in the content of one of the smaller masechtos in Shas, and if possible, also in the necessary laws in Kitzur Shulchan Aruch.

Segulos for a Good Shidduch

1. Learning Torah, especially Toras HaChassidus
2. Giving tzedakah, especially in multiples of 18 (chai)
3. Checking tefillin and mezuzos
4. Making a firm decision to build a faithful home based on Torah and mitzvos
5. Being joyful and having complete bitachon in Hashem that one will find their zivug, and not being in sadness, despair, or low spirits

Requesting Mechila

When for any reason the shidduch does not come to fruition, the parties should request mechila from each other through a third party, and this should be strictly adhered to since if any grievance remains, it could affect the parties throughout their lives.

Closing the Shidduch

Mazel Tov

It is the minhag of chassidim that after the chosson and kallah agree to the shidduch, they turn to request a bracha and agreement from the Rebbe, and today - this is done by writing to the Rebbe through Igros Kodesh and similar means.

After receiving the "bracha and agreement" from the Rebbe, the shidduch is announced publicly, and mazel tov wishes are extended.

The correct expression to use for the chosson and kallah is - "hishtadchu" or "ba'u b'kishrei hashidduchim" and not "hit'arsu", since "eirusin" means "kiddushin" which only takes place at the wedding, while before the wedding the chosson and kallah are only meshudachim and not me'orasim.

The Vort (L'chaim) Celebration

After the decision on the shidduch, both families - the chosson's family and kallah's family - gather together with friends and associates for a celebration and farbrengen of simcha.

During the celebration, it is customary to make a "kinyan" regarding the material aspects of the shidduch, and the agreement is made only verbally - "word" (translation of "vort" from Yiddish), without making conditions or writing a document.

During the vort, it is customary for the chosson to say over a maamar Chassidus.

Payment to the Shadchan

Payment to the shadchan is a halachic obligation, like any payment to a worker who performed labor, and the full requested payment must be made. Even if not agreed upon in advance, one must pay the customary price for this work in that location.

For this reason, when completing the shidduch involved special effort and the like, one should add to the amount.

For any doubt regarding the payment amount, how to split it between the sides, or when more than one shadchan was involved - one should consult with a Rav Moreh Hora'ah on how to proceed.

It is common to interpret the Hebrew acronym for 'shadchan' negatively as: "Sheker Dover Kesef Notel" (speaks falsehood takes money), but there is no permission for a shadchan to lie, and they can only direct attention to and emphasize the positive and strong aspects of the chosson and kallah's personalities.

It is brought down that if the shadchan is particular about not receiving their due payment, it can cause harm, chas v'shalom, to the couple. Therefore, people are careful to pay the shadchan even if they don't demand payment and even explicitly say they don't want money. Nevertheless, we are concerned there shouldn't be damage to the couple, and we also try to satisfy with payment those who assisted with the shidduch. If there were several shadchanim who suggested the shidduch or several who helped complete it - one should clarify with a Rav how much and to whom payment is due.