Kibbud Av V'eim - The Mitzvah of Honoring Parents

Honoring parents is a Torah commandment that appears twice: First in the Ten Commandments, "Honor your father and your mother" - as an obligation of honor, which includes feeding, providing drink, helping them in and out, etc. The second appearance is "A person shall fear his mother and father," which is an obligation of reverence - not to sit in their designated place, not to contradict their words, and similar requirements.

Honoring parents is among the most serious mitzvos in the Torah, to the extent that "their honor is equated to honoring Hashem."

Details of the Mitzvah

In a case where a parent commands their child to do something that contradicts Torah commandments, the child is not obligated to listen and is actually forbidden from obeying. This is derived from a special verse written in the Torah: "A person shall fear his mother and father - and guard My Shabbosos" - despite the severity of honoring parents being "equated to honoring Hashem," if your father tells you to desecrate Shabbos - do not listen to him, because "I am Hashem your G-d" - you and he are both obligated in My honor.

When the mother is married to the father, the father's honor takes precedence, since the mother is also obligated in honoring her husband (the father). However, if they are divorced, then honoring both parents is equal.

One Who Desires to Learn Torah in Another Location

The Shulchan Aruch rules that if one wishes to learn Torah in a specific place, and his father wants him to learn elsewhere, he is not obligated to honor his father's wish. When an important avrech whose soul desired to learn Torah and Chassidus from the Rebbe in 770 wrote to the Rebbe that his father and grandfather were not pleased with this, the Rebbe responded in a letter:

"Is it really so if one follows the clear ruling in Shulchan Aruch Yoreh Deah end of section 240? [And it has already been discussed that this ruling was established not in the Laws of Torah Study, but in the Laws of Honoring Parents. And this is easy to understand]. I will mention this at the tziyun."

Meaning: The fact that one is not obligated to listen to his father in this matter is not a law in the Laws of Torah Study - that the obligation of Torah study takes precedence over honoring parents; rather it is a law in the Laws of Honoring Parents - meaning: there is no obligation of honoring parents regarding this matter at all.

Intention in Fulfilling the Mitzvah

Despite the well-known halacha that mitzvos require intention, for honoring parents (Kibud Av V'Em), intention does not prevent the fulfillment of the mitzvah. This is because the main essence of the mitzvah is honoring the parent, and since the action depends on the parent, once the parent receives their honor, the lack of intention does not invalidate the performance of the mitzvah. This is similar to the mitzvah of tzedakah, which does not require intention, as taught: if a coin falls from one's hand and a poor person finds it and sustains themselves with it, one has fulfilled the mitzvah of tzedakah. In such cases, one usually has the opposite intention, as when the coin falls from their hand, they are distressed about losing it, yet they still fulfill the mitzvah.

In the Future Era

During Techiyas HaMeisim (Resurrection of the Dead), Hashem will build new bodies for the deceased with which they will arise - bodies similar to their previous ones but not the exact bodies they were born with. This raises a question regarding honoring parents during Techiyas HaMeisim, since if this body is not the one the person was born with, there might be doubt about the obligation to honor parents. However, it is explained that since the new body will be built fundamentally from the luz bone of the previous body, it will all be considered a continuation of the previous body, and therefore the obligation to honor parents will apply even during Techiyas HaMeisim. On a deeper level, it is clarified that the true meaning of honoring parents is not based on physical connection but on soul connection, and the soul remains the same even after Techiyas HaMeisim. This can be seen from the Rambam's ruling about the obligation to honor parents' memory after their passing and burial, when only the soul, not the body, has significance.

Another interesting situation that will occur during Techiyas HaMeisim is when a person who passed away at a young age, and their son passed away at an older age than his father, it's possible that during Techiyas HaMeisim the father will need to honor his son due to the verse "Before an elder shall you rise," along with the son's obligation to honor his father.

Books on the Subject

The book "Kibud Av V'Em - Stories and Instructions" is a compilation about the importance of the mitzvah of honoring parents. The book primarily relates the holy conduct of our Rebbeim, especially the Rebbe, in this mitzvah. The matters were recorded "from books and scribes," some from the Rebbe's secretaries and elder Chassidim from what they saw and heard.

Additionally, the book includes stories about tzaddikim, chassidim, and people of deed who honored their parents with joy and enhancement, sometimes with mesiras nefesh. The book also includes instructions and letters about honoring parents from the Rebbe and the Frierdiker Rebbe. Similarly, it includes teachings and stories from Chazal about this topic and about honoring elders and scholars.

At the beginning of the book are the laws of honoring parents, which were edited by Rabbi Yosef Simcha Ginzburg.

The entire book encourages and guides in the fulfillment of this mitzvah which has so many segulos.

The book contains 350 pages and was published by Rabbi Zev Ritterman through Torah Ohr Publishing.